“if voting were actually effective, would they really let us do it?” - every smug asshole who thinks reading Das Kapital (Abridged) once is a personality
Excited to announce that I am now valued at $5,000,000,000,000 because my pitch deck says I’m a robotics company not a journalist
Trump hit the limit on his voter base when he lost in 2020. Unless he’s found an untapped vein of new white people, he’s maxed out. The Lite Supremacist path to victory was hoping the dems stayed home this time, and Harris put an end to that shit.
That’s it. That’s the game.
dentist: open wide
me: unhinging jaw like a fucking snake or some shit
dentist: immediately aroused
obviously the cowardly lion would be MAGA, no debate. also definitely gaston, uncle vernon, and the Mel Gibson rooster from chicken run. facts don’t care about your feelings.
time to pack it in folks, old mate’s cracked the case 
If Elon Musk ran Amazon you’d order next-day shipping and get the wrong fucking product three years too late
“Downfall”
It’s genuinely so fucking problematic that after you run the dishwasher you also have to unload it
if you think the government is hiding weather control, wait till you see what they’re hiding in the McDonald’s McRib formula. TRUTH
Jesus: so I’ve multiplied the loaves and fishes and there’s enough food for everyone
modern christians: “this is SOCIALISM. i’ll bring my OWN bread, fuck you”
republican voters are so easy to grift you could slap an eagle sticker on a bottle of piss, call it “constitution juice,” and they’d mortgage their house to buy a year’s supply, dumbest motherfuckers who ever drew breath
‘Feed the World’ was just ‘Feed the Birds’ from Mary Poppins with more guilt trips and less actual feeding
Bold of us to expect a peaceful transition of power from the GOP, a party that’s been working overtime to make sure nobody transitions anywhere
one can only assume that Putin does not in fact like them apples 
every night my intrusive thoughts are like “eat the cat food” and i’m like “no” and they’re like “eat the cat food” and i’m like “NO” and they’re like “EAT THE CAT FOOD” and i’m like “fine” and now i have to explain to my cats why we’re out of food
columbus got lost, found a whole new continent, and then thought ‘perfect spot for a genocide.’ history’s first, fucked and worst travel influencer
DeBunkin’ Donuts
every day i wake up and think about how mitt romney is the human equivalent of a powerpoint presentation with no jokes
Donald Trump would love K-pop if there were 2 extra Ks